15. Embracing Life (and my new self) after a Stage 4 Cancer Diagnosis

May 2015. I am finding it difficult to get back to my Blog. I have been thinking about why that may be the case. It's certainly not a matter of finding the time. I wrote most of the Blog so far in September and October last year. That was after recovering from my neck dissection surgery and before progressing to stage 4 cancer. So at that time I was (for a short while) back to work and pretty much back to leading a very full and hectic life, I was back to exercising, to Yoga and even Salsa dancing; back to my social outings with friends, and on the top of it, several cancer-related medical appointments now featured in my diary, including visits with the dermatologist, oncologist, GP... follow ups with the surgeon... physiotherapy, counselling... consultations with complementary medicine practitioners... I was busy! I certainly had limited time to write but I still found the time (usually late at night) and I remember really enjoying the therapeutic value of writing the Blog.

Now I have more time. I have been off work for several months and I have time. It must be said though that being on the top of my various medical appointments and health management is time consuming (having cancer is like having a job, you must be very organised and employ good project management skills, I may write about this in the future). Moreover, there are often times when I feel totally drained with no energy to even think straight, let alone write. Nonetheless I still have time that I could dedicate to writing, more so than I used to, but still I don't do it. So I kept asking myself why. And I think the answer has come to me. To some extent, I am a different person to what I was before progressing to stage 4 cancer and I cannot just pick up the story where I left it and keep writing. I need personal time to adjust to my new self. The tone I want to use, what goes through my mind, what I want to express, have changed. 

During the months in which I did not write, between the end of November 2014 and February 2015, I went through hell. I did not write as I am human so I could not really fully process and accept in my mind what the oncologist had told me: that there was only 1 in 3 chances that the only drug which could save me would work. No one wants to write 'I am very ill and I may die soon', and post it online for that matter. At least I didn't. Besides, most of the time during those months I was simply too sick to do anything. 

Now that things are slowly getting better and I am in a much better place, I have more strength, more energy, more hopes for the future, but I look back and I realise I have changed. I have faced death, I went through debilitating surgeries, I have suffered pain, I have lost some of the innocence I had within me, I have lost the illogical but innate conviction that my life would be long. I need to give myself time to adjust, learn to slowly fully embrace my life again. 

If there is a defining moment in my life, a before-and-after moment, that certainly is when they told me I had malignant tumours in my bones and liver, and my entire world collapsed in that moment. 19 November 2014. Before that day I guess I could not have named 'the worst day of my life' if someone had asked me. Now I have the answer, the day of my stage 4 diagnosis is without a doubt and by far the worst day of my life. By the way that was my third cancer diagnosis in a year! But this time the tumours were not on my skin or lymph nodes, they were in my vital organs, in the frame that supports the movement of my body, and there was no surgery which could help me. In one moment all my dreams for the futures crashed like crystal glasses in tiny pieces. You know in one moment that your life may be a lot shorter than you ever expected, and in any case never the same again. 

I remember when the doctor told me what I was fearing more and more to be the case, but I was hoping and praying it woundn't. I could see the sadness on the face of this young doctor, it was genuine, he said he was sorry. It cannot be good when a doctor tells you he feels sorry. My world collapsed, I broke like a twig in the strong wind. I was inconsolable. My first thought was for my parents, I remember crying out loud how could they expect me to communicate such a thing to my parents, this would totally break their hearts. I felt broken to pieces. 

So I have a defining moment in my life. I sure wish I had a different defining moment, but I cannot deny my history, who I am, what has happened to me and how I feel. It took me some time, without realising it, to embrace again who I am, my new self, in fact love myself more than ever, accept that we don't choose our life, we have to make the most of every day, fight for a better one tomorrow, be grateful for what we have, be kind and gentle with the world around us. And above all, never lose faith. Faith that life is beautiful, that tomorrow will be a good day. 

It took me some time to process and accept the pain and suffering I went through, to adjust to living with an incurable disease (yet treatable thanks to today's amazing advances). Now I am ready to go ahead. Ready to rationalise the disease and embrace and love life to the fullest. Love myself as a human being with his human history, more than ever. Ready therefore also to get back to writing my blog, knowing what I want to say, and saying it with all my heart.

Looking ahead - 16 May 2015