21. Fighting my Fight

I wish I hadn’t been away from my Blog for so long. That partially defeats the objective of writing a Blog. If anyone is so kind to find the time to read what I write and then finds the time and perseverance (which I can only interpret as affection) to come back and check for updates, I should be considerate enough to provide more reading. Worse still, I have been writing in the meanwhile, quite a bit. Just have not posted it. The reason for not posting I suppose is the same that pushed me to shut down my Facebook account and stop posting on Instagram too: I have been and I am quite poorly and I felt like I needed more privacy around my pain and suffering. For now I am not changing my view on other social media which are full of 'noise' and unwanted holiday pictures of people who would not even call you before or after the holiday. However writing this Blog is certainly something which I started with a passion and feel strongly about, and never really meant to abandon. Also I know that the people who read this Blog really care for me and about me. So here I am writing a new short post, which is statement of intent. I want to make sure I say it loud and clear how much I want to stay alive for many years (but at the same time I also accept that this may not happen).

I have not posted anything here for over two months. In my defence I can only say that time flies, as we like to put it. Weeks come and go, one after the other at a fast speed. Bad times pass as quickly as good times. Days, weeks, months to come soon become yesterday, last week, last month. The future is soon the past. When I have a very bad day or I feel particularly upset I close my eyes and I tell myself that it will pass, it will soon pass. And it does. October marked the one-year anniversary since I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, namely metastatic malignant melanoma. One year since my life has been completely turned upside down, a year where I had to accept that my previous lifestyle will never come back, that I’ll have to hope and fight for an acceptable quality of life, at best.

I have no regrets as I have lived the first 38 years of my life to the fullest (that includes one year when I was already fighting cancer but before it metastasized and became very debilitating). I have travelled a lot, I have always said ‘yes' if I was invited somewhere and it was a matter of going out or staying at home. I have always gone through life with an open heart, have made amazing friends along my way, and I have had a lot of fun! I have also built a beautiful and accomplished life: I gained my university degrees in Naples and London, I learnt foreign languages, I moved abroad, I got reasonably good jobs in the City and achieved financial security for myself, a beautiful London flat which is currently my nest and hideaway place. I have loved and been loved a lot. I have had a lot of good sex, and some bad sex too. I found love on the other side of the Atlantic, and am living with the most amazing person on the planet, someone who never makes me fight for anything, never once upset me, but only adds beauty and easiness to my life. I felt like had everything. A cat included. Then it all changed so abruptly in October last year, and now it’s a matter of making the most of whatever quality of life I have. But one thing is clear to me. I intend to live with melanoma for as long as possible as a chronic condition, and not accept it as a death sentence. I will do whatever it takes to keep myself alive, as I love life too much to give it up, not for such a cruel disease. I realise that this may sound unfair towards those who lost their lives to melanoma, as they surely also loved their lives as much as I love mine. However I don't think I am being unfair as I know and accept that I may be proven wrong and walk away from this world within the next few months, or maybe a little longer. I am aware that I am just as human and fragile as anyone else affected by cancer. But this does not mean that I am not going to try to stay in this world for as long as I can. And keep writing my Blog too.