Not only had my summer plans gone out of the window but I suddenly realised that my whole life had changed in the moment the oncologist had looked at me and given me my diagnosis. All of a sudden I had more medical appointments lined up ahead of me than I had during my entire healthy 38 years of life so far. Also, I was told in plain English that there was a high probability that my life would not be as long as I expected. Taking new drugs and advances in treatment into account I could call it a 50-50 probability of survival in 10 years. That felt kind of low to me. When I was first diagnosed with melanoma and it was removed from my back, I was then given an 80% 10-year survival rate. That felt like bad news but I still felt I could kind of ignore it and I would be ok. Now, after lymph nodes involvement, I was finding myself standing on much thinner grounds.
Note that I have always thought that life is a gift, that we should treasure every day of it. That life is not a right we have and that we should not take anything for granted. I don't think I needed to be reminded of this in such an extreme way, but here we go, I shall accept it and not question the reasons why things happen the way they do.
We all know that we have to die at some point and that unfortunately not everyone dies when they are old. Still, I think we are genetically predisposed to believe that we will live until we are very old, it's human nature. That was my belief too.
Mind you, I may still get lucky, defy melanoma and live till 100, or I may die in an accident tomorrow (which would not do any favour to the compilation of melanoma survival statistics!). However, 'statistically' I will die from malignant melanoma before I die from something else and most likely well before I am 100. The realisation of this very real scenario hit me hard. I was probably more naive and more arrogant in claiming my right to my life than I cared to believe. The oncologist spoke. Any nativity and arrogance disappeared. I felt humble in front of the notion of my own mortality.
It's funny when in movies there are those scenes when the oncologist gives their diagnosis to the patient and after hearing the dreaded words it all goes blurry... That is actually how it happens in the real world. (Now I take no risks and I always go to my medical appointments with a notebook, a clear set agenda and I take notes!). Next thing I know is that I am at home and I have already decided that I will do whatever it takes to manage this horrible disease no matter how long and hard the journey may be. I am now in the very middle of this journey and I have decided to write this blog for 3 reasons:
1. Get it off my chest, organise my thoughts, rationalise what is happening to me. I am managing my melanoma diagnosis and all that it entails as a project that landed on me. One I certainly did not wish for but one which fell on me nonetheless. Hence here are my own project notes.
2. Share my feelings but also information with my family and friends, who are always enquiring about how I am and what is happening next. Unfortunately the answer is never straightforward, so here is the whole story for those interested!
3. Raise awareness of melanoma skin cancer. Most people do not know much about it other than (hopefully) sun exposure is a risk factor and that it is life threatening. It is again human nature, we only know about things that directly affect us or a loved one. And I am not saying that we should all become hypochondriac and know all about every disease out there. Yet I feel that there is too little information and knowledge about what is the fastest growing cancer, especially amongst young people. And this is all the more important as being safe in the sun and early detection can save lives, and spare people from painful and disfiguring surgery, harmful radiations and endless medical appointments.
4. [Added in May 2015] After sadly progressing to stage 4 metastatic melanoma and having to pull out the hardest fight yet, I also hope that through my story I can communicate to people who face the same horrific diagnosis, and they loved ones, that (thanks to new treatments) this is not a death sentence anymore, we can win it, we must never lose FAITH.
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